Middle of Everything

Hi, it’s nice to meet you. I’m Jane Average.

I’d like to tell you that I’m exceptional, but I’m really not, and I abide by a very strict honesty policy (please don’t ask me if those pants make your ass look big). It would be cool to be extraordinary, but I am quite ordinary. I am average.

I’m middle-class, which roughly translated (in non-economist, but real-people terms), means that I am able to pay all of my bills on time as long as I keep on working. I can fill up the car with gas, but freak out at the fact that it now costs fifty bucks to fill the tank of a Honda Civic. A freaking Civic!

Um, okay, I’m back and I’m all better now.

Yes, we have a Civic, a completely average car. Boring as hell and kind of ugly (and it’s charcoal gray, the official color of got-a-great-deal-on-it cars everywhere), but functional and reliable. You know, average.

I’m bigger than Jennifer Aniston, and smaller than Rosie O’Donnell. Taller than Rhea Perlman, shorter than Rebecca Romijn. Older than the internet, younger than dirt. I can tell you that stretch mark cream is a rip-off, but that good quality make-up is worth the few extra bucks.

At forty-nine, I’m considered middle-aged, but really, what are the chances that I’ll live to be ninety-eight? Still, middle-aged is the supposed label and the target demographic for investment brokers, wrinkle creams, and Viagra. I’m sure I’ll be getting my introductory packet from AARP soon. Just like every other um, mature, average middle-of-everything American.

I even live in the Midwest. Smack-dab in the middle of the heartland.

Politically, I’m kind of average in that I think both main parties are comprised largely of arrogant jackasses who care more about promoting themselves than they do about creating a brighter future for our citizenry and the world at large. I lean way left, but my feet are planted in the middle.

If you were to peek inside my head (it’s okay, just sweep the cobwebs aside), you’d find that I have a pretty ordinary amount of both useful and useless information occupying my gray matter. I’m brilliantly astute about some topics and completely ignorant on others, averaging out to, well, average. *sigh*

I doubt that many people expect that they’ll turn out to be average. As kids, we are future astronauts, professional athletes, rock stars, or hugely successful novelists. We are potentially rich and famous. We will be great scientific minds, trend-setters, and way cooler parents than our own parents were.

And then we grow up.

That's when we realize that our parents were no dorkier than we are. And while we might not have butlers, private jets, or groupies, we have plenty. And we are happy. And when our kids start garage bands and get all starry-eyed at the notion that they will live extraordinary lives, we smile, and we don’t say anything that could dampen their spirits. Because whether or not they ever hit one out of Yankee Stadium or argue a case before the Supreme Court, we know that they are right. They are extraordinary.

And so are we.


  1. Love it, Beth! You are extraordinary for someone so stuck in the middle, I would say! ;)

  2. To those of us that love you, you are far from ordinary! "Special" perhaps?!

  3. Loved this post. Hello, I too am average. I'm older though, I am as old as dirt, 60. I too drive an old car, A Saturn, that's paid for, love that. Hubby's car is even older, his is 14 years old. We too pay our bills, have plenty as long as we keep working.

    I think left and live middle. I too think both parties have jerks, though think in recent years there are more of them on the right, some downright scary.

    I too am a Midwesterner....where it's rainy yet again!

  4. Forgot to say, just added you to my blog log so when z-a is over we can visit back and forth easily. Think we have a lot in common. And, now I'm officially stalking you too. But, it's ok, cause I'm just average.

  5. This post is awesome! Almost everyone I know is average, so we're in good company. (By the way, I'm 25 and got a letter from AARP already -_- )

  6. Love it, yep average, middle of the road...it's not so bad until traffic hits! oh and watch out for the potholes.... :)
    z to a in May http://www.sylviebranch.com

  7. I love it, too! It says it all. And, I got my first AARP pack at 40. You're lucky that someone who can subtract has your name on their list!! LOL

  8. "I lean way left, but my feet are planted in the middle" What a wonderfully descriptive phrase. One that describes me to a "T"! I knew we had a lot in common. This was a really good piece of writing, you should submit it somewhere.

  9. @Cathy: Aww, thanks. You're pretty exceptional yourself. :O)

    @Gary: Oh, I'm 'special' alright! ;O)

    @Sandy: LOL! (I'm stalking you right back...)

    @RY: Already??? Yikes!

    @Sylvie: Yeah, the potholes are a bitch. ;O)

    @SJerZGirl: At 40? Wow, When I get mine, it's gonna feel late!

    @Cyndi: Thank you so much! (And I think we have a lot in common, too!)

  10. When I look at you, I do not see average at all. What I do see is an amazing writer with lots of creativity going on in that extraordinary mind and an incredible friend who always has wise words to offer when I need them the most. Maybe on a paper full of statistics, you would be considered "average" but to the human heart, you are above and beyond exceptional!
    Statistics are nothing but garbage info anyway and rarely accurate.

  11. 49, Ha, if you think hitting middle aged is fun wait 10 years; at 60 you're suddenly elderly. Want more coffee, "HON"? I believe you're above average but then I've never met you. I do know that my dream was to be independently wealthy and the Powerball keeps messing that up and I might say giving it to an UNUSUAL amount of MIDWESTERNERS!


  12. clowns to the left of me, jokers to the right, here I am stuck int he middle with YOU!

  13. @Renata: Seriously at 25. Must be the new baby boomer AARP folks, we never could do math.


  14. @DWV: You're sweet. I don't believe that anyone is 'average' to those who care about them. ♥

    @Pam: I'm that weirdo who actually believes that a big lottery win is in the cards for me. And what you said about a disproportionate number of winners being from the Midwest just deepened my belief. Thanks for contributing to my craziness. ;O)

    @ML: :OD

  15. I would like to think I am average with a certain uniqueness. ;-) I LOVE this post and don't find anything about you average! You are extraordinary in all kinds of ways. :) <3

  16. Well, thank you, ma'am! I like "average with a certain uniqueness." That's perfect!


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