Survivor: Celebrity Island

Hi, my name is Beth and I’m a Survivoraholic.

I don’t watch a whole lot of TV, but when I find a show that I like, I tend to get a little compulsive about it. Through the years, there haven’t been that many that made the cut, but the following did:

• The Andy Griffith Show: You can’t possibly be surprised by this. I told you right from the start that I’m nerderrific.
• General Hospital: Once upon a time, but not for ages. At the height of my obsession, I scheduled my college classes around GH. Later, I scheduled the kids’ naps around it.
• Saturday Night Live: Sometimes. Sometimes not so much.
• Sisters: I loved the ladies with boys’ names. Plus, a young George Clooney sweetened the deal.
• Seinfeld: Yeah, me and everybody.
• Will & Grace: I ♥ Karen and the clan.
• Everwood: Really good. Really gone. :O(
• Boston Legal: Smart, biting, socially relevant, incredibly inappropriate humor. Loved it and mourn it still.
• Grey’s Anatomy: No big surprise here. Everyone’s addicted to this one.
• Modern Family: Lovity-love, love, love this show.
• Survivor: It’s brilliant, really. Same basic show every season, but because it’s essentially a huge social experiment with a new cast every go around, the unique mix of contestants keep it fresh and addictive.

When they are sorting through applicants’ videos, Survivor producers need to choose a great blend—the clashes, romances, connections and conflicts are what keep those ratings up. You’ve got to have some sweet young flesh of both genders, at least one really lazy player, one useful but abrasive type, a couple of really big egos, an underdog, a geezer, someone with a really big chip on their shoulder, a manipulator, a blind follower, a rube, and a nutjob. Voila! Magic. Pure television magic.


I’d like to see a season of all celebrity contestants and I’ve been giving some thought to potential players. Some possibilities:

• Susan Lucci: She’s about to have a lot of time on her hands and it would be cool to see her go 39 days without make-up.
• Pauley Perrette: I love her as Abby on NCIS and even more when she’s herself. Cool chickie.
• Alicia Silverstone: Vegan, eco-conscious, charming, and not the least bit clueless.
• Selena Gomez: Gorgeous and capable. Beware.
• Star Jones: Creepy VonCreepy.
• Jack Nicholson: Gotta love Mad Jack. And he only looks crazy.
• Betty White: Just because I ♥ Betty.
• Ellen Page: The dorkalicious ideal.
• Natalie Portman: Perfection.
• Jamie Lee Curtis: More than month without Activia. Uh-oh.
• Bette Midler: Senior citizen, my ass. Always divine.
• Katie Holmes: Let’s just call it a Tom Cruise intervention and deprogramming opportunity. She’s young; there’s still hope.
• Charlie Sheen: C’mon, you know you want him there.
• Will Smith: The anti-Charlie. He’ll class up the joint.
• Jewel: Toughness wrapped in fragility. She’s secret weapon material.
• Bernie Madoff: Stuff happens way out in the middle of nowhere. The cameras can’t be rolling all the time.
• Pippa Middleton: Can you say record-breaking Neilson ratings?

Considered, but vetoed:

• Mel Gibson: Yes, we need an obnoxious dirt-bag, but not one who deserves zero publicity.
• Whitney Houston: She has an, um, previous commitment.
• Sean Connery: At some point, he’d be shirtless and one peek at eighty-year-old man-boobs could kill all of my steamy illusions about him.
• Justin Bieber: My granddaughter requested him, but I think you have to be old enough to vote/drive/shave to get on the big plane and camp out with the big boys.
• Madonna: I’d love to see her there, but only if I could also send my friend Elaine. While I think Elaine is a superstar, she hasn’t yet reached full celebrity status (give it time).
• Susan Sarandon: I dig her, but I think she’d win, hands down, and that wouldn’t be fair to the lesser contestants.

Okay, those are my choices. Who would you like to see on Survivor: Celebrity Island?


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